centenary of Arbroath's world record high score of 36-0 v Bon Accord in the first round of the Scottish Cup September 1885.
Inside the football programme there's an article written as if it was the editorial notes from the programme of the second leg of the Arbroath v Bon Accord cup tie. Written by the honourable Baillie Jehova Smyball, JP and chairman of Bon Accord.
Welcome to our visitors ...
Today we welcome Arbroath FC for the 2nd leg of our cup tie. They will face an uphill task (our pitch has a 1 in 3 gradient). Although they lead 36-0 from last Saturday, our run of bad luck (742 goals lost in 8 games) must end sometime, and considering last week was the first time we have played on a full-sized pitch with real goalposts, the result was a good one for us. It would have been much worse if the tide had not come in at Gayfield.
Calls for the dismissal of our play-manageress, Dame Nora Batty, and the burning down of my house and home, will not drive the board into panic buying in the transfer market, or force them to buy boots for our team. If the Arbroath lads can play in bare feet and rags, so can ours. It is untrue that I have fled the country - I am in Brazil for health reasons, and will not come back with my ball unless you are all nice to me.
I wish to thank Arbroath for the get well cards and wreaths delivered to our powder room: it is wonderful to know there is still courtesy to found in Scotland, even amongst the lowest of the low. However, Harvie Smith, our dog handler is protesting to Mr Gladstone against 35 of the Arbroath goals and against referee J Stein of Carstairs Criminal Lunatic Asylum, who took the Arbroath corner kicks ( all 622 of them)!
Rule 1 of the Laws of the Game state: "No player shall shoot before shouting, 'Coming, ready or not'." Our players still had their hands over their eyes when Arbroath got their tenth hattrick. Mr Stein omitted half time, possibly because our goals were 22 feet wide. He sent of Dame Nora merely for throwing her zimmer frame at the crowd.
It will matter little a hundred years from now what the score was last Saturday, and if we don't tell anybody, nobody will know. We were undoubtedly robbed. The death of our captain Jimmy Saville in the Tay Bridge Railway Disaster; the absence of Alex James, Dennis Law and Stanley Matthews (all of whom were turning out for the cubs last week); and the sad fact that Harold MacMillan, M Shinwell and Keir Hardie are past their best - all this possibly contributed to our defeat. We must now rebuild the side. Supporters will be delighted to know that Dr Livingstone, our scout in Africa, has signed Limpopo Academic striker Idi Amin for a trial, who, if he is not found guilty, will spearhead our attack today. Bela Lugosi from the Bulgarian team Sophia Loren; and Rev Ian Paisley, bought from Vatican City for 50000 hymn books, will also join the squad. They will not disgrace Lord Inchworm's livery. We are open to offers for Ian R Stirling, ten woodbine anyone?
NB: Tickets for the Arbroath return-match are 1 penny a dozen. Send a stamped addressed carrier bag please. Join with me in singing our team song: "You'll Walk Alone."
Noos the day and noos the hour!
Your magistrate, employer and friend
Jehova A Smyball, Chairman
See also: Arbroath v Bon Accord 1985 - Anniversay of 36-0 win in Scottish Cup